“If we have the twooth, it can’t be hurt by investuh … investuh … er … looking at it.
If we have not the twooth, it oughta be harmed.”

– Little Joshua Reuben Clark –

[Name of Sunbeam Teacher Removed]

Thank you for saying you’d answer my questions from Sunbeam class. You are nice. I want to know what you think about my questions. I think they are hard to answer. Maybe you have the answers because you are my teacher. Maybe you don’t because you always look like you are preparing our lesson during Sacrament and you cry a lot and say kids drive you crazy and you should know because you have twelve kids of your own and I don’t know what that word means that you called the bishop. I also don’t know the answer to my two questions so I think the questions are good ones and I hope you answer my questions and don’t kick me out of class.

My Two Questions

You have us sing a song that says “Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.” I don’t find anything in my picture scriptures where Jesus ever said that. Besides, sunbeams are transitory waves of energy that move fast but are destroyed when they hit solid matter and are bounced back to become reflected or absorbed light giving everything color. Why would Jesus want me to move at the speed of light and then slam into hard matter and only have the purpose of providing color and illumination?

The song also says he wants me to shine for him each day. How can I shine for him each day all the time forever and ever if I will be destroyed when I hit hard matter? Is there a way to bend time? This song is crazy. Also, Heavenly Father and Jesus live near a different star that is not the Sun. Shouldn’t the song say Kolob Beam? I like the part where we yell BEAM and jump up but that makes you angry. I’m confused. Does Jesus really want me to be a photon of light trapped forever in a black hole?

Second question is also from a song you taught us. Here is a picture of an apricot tree and a picture of some popcorn like at the movies:

Popcorn comes from a corn plant which grows in the ground. The song you have us sing tries to make us believe that popcorn grows on an apricot tree. The song even says this isn’t so but that it seems to me. What are common mistakes that have been in children’s songs since the time of King James doing in current primary lyrics?

This appears to be an attempt to influence me to believe something that can’t possibly be correct but that I’m just supposed to go on my feelings and accept it anyways. Also, apricot blossoms don’t really look like popcorn. I’ve asked my friend, Johnny, who won science fair last year and always carries a tape recorder to interview other kids. He said there is no evidence to support this and that popcorn cannot pop or grow on an apricot tree. My other friend Danny said this question is not FAIR and that he learned all this years ago in preschool and that it isn’t important and he’s always known. I think he is full of tapir poop.

I know the Bishop has told the Primary President to kick me out of Primary because of my questions but I think you should just answer them so I can stay with the other kids and have fun. I don’t think Jesus will be happy if you kick me out because then he won’t have as many Sunbeams and that will make everything darker. Can you just answer my questions and not kick me out?

Conclusion

I will turn eight one day and everyone wants me to do the “adult” decision and join the Church but I am just a kid. I have already found two questions where they are not telling the truth. Maybe they are not telling the truth about other things. I also don’t want to join or be involved in a church that is just going to kick me out later anyways just for asking a lot of questions that people can’t answer.

I can’t join Costco or a gym because I am so young. Why should I join a high demand religion that includes white-washed songs? Can I just join karate and little league and enjoy being a kid? I hope you can answer my questions and please don’t cry so much anymore.

Jeremy Runnells

P.S. Here is my school picture

P.S.S. Here is my older friend Johnny